How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
