When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
