hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I pour the whiskey from now on
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
