"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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