Need sex. Gaining weight.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
