Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
