Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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