there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
