Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
