My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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