I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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