well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
