"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
