what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
