its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
