Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
