I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
