She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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