How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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