Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
