so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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