Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize