He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
