Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
