I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
