he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
