How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
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