I look better un-naked...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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