Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
