I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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