oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
the liver wants what the liver wants
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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