I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
