I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
The ass gains better be worth it
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