Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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