Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
