got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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