I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
