put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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