I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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