I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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