omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
