If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
