does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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