Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
