it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I wish life had little blips of pornography
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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