you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
