see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
