She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
The air was thick with penises
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
