She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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