id be glad to
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
