oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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