i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
