halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
