Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
whose parrot is this?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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