I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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