My liver just broke up with me...
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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