I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
