He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
he quoted the bible to break up with me
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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