When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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