She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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