I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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