ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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