i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
