this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
