I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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