he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
