You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
