$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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